.:Pharrell & Legos:.

I'm building something.

Something incredible.

My happiness has been thru the roof lately. Contrary to what my last blog says (bum), I have been crazily overjoyed with happiness. Not only in my personal life, but in my loved ones lives as well.

My mom and dad are stronger than ever. My sister and I's bond is amazing. Getting rid of dead weight has liberated me like I never would have imagined.

My best friend is happy. It's so amazing to FINALLY see her get the love, happiness, and respect that she deserves. She's the most caring, giving person I know, and it's great to see her getting some of that back.

Now, don't get me wrong. Work still stresses me out, but hey. It's work. Even still, I think about how happy I am and it immediately diminishes the the stress.

A lot of it has to do with Him.

He changes my outlook. He allows me to come as I am, and  and because of that, he enters my mind, body, and soul.

No, it's not a boy. Or a girl, for clarification. It's God.

I had a strange dream the other day. I was frantically driving (HA!) around the city, looking feverishly for challah bread.

Yes. Challah bread.

Now when I say feverishly, think of moms clawing and fighting for Tickle Me Elmo dolls in Winter of '96. I HAD to have it.

The crazy part was that it wasn't even for me. Throughout the dream, I had a strong sense of "I NEED to give this to my family, or they'll DIE."

Crazy, right?

Bakery after bakery, I stormed in. Screaming desperately, "Do you have any loaves of challah bread?"

All met with a resounding "No."

The more bakeries I visited, the more the sinking feeling started to set in: my family is going to DIE.

By the end of the dream, I had pulled up to my house, crying in despair, because I didn't find any Challah Bread.

Yeah. I know.

I woke up with such a sense of deep, depressing sadness. And I didn't know why.

I spoke with my sister, and she was able to really break it down for me: I was needing to feed my life, my family, my loved ones, with God's word. If not, they may not be fulfilled.

I may not be fulfilled.

Because of stress and the sometimes distracting gravitational pull of new love, I had been pulling away from God. My daily devotionals, I had completely abandoned them. By no one's fault but my own.

After listening to my younger sis, and getting spiritually smacked in the head, I went right back to it. It's amazing what happens when you get back to where you're supposed to be. All of my happiness seemed....REALER. It seemed to be signed off by God. My relationships with my family, best friend, my love, seemed to be even more authentic. Like going from a black and white analog TV to digital HD 3D. Live and in technicolor.

God is something that's always been a part of my life. I wouldn't be able to function with out it. So while I was happy and distracted, it seemed to plateau. Not in a sense that I didn't feel good, but I wasn't able to see the possibilities. The happiness was happy, and the stressful was stressful, and that was the black bottom line.

Now, with my rejuvenation, I feel like the best is yet to come. While the stress is still stressful, I feel like I can take on anything. My love seems overwhelming, it the most FANTASTIC way. I feel that once I confront it head on, live and in person, I'll be overwhelmed with joy, to the point of tears. I don't think I've ever been this happy in my life, and the fact that I'm overwhelmed and I feel like I don't know what's gonna happen, is literally the best feeling in the world.

On top of that, feeling like this is where I'm supposed to be, what He wants for me, my life, my family, my future? Man.

It's exhilarating.

I'm ready.

CuCu

iCan'tEven

Some people have NERVE.

A while ago, last year, I had a meeting with an old flame who I was with for about 8 months or so back in 2007. He contacted me, wanting to get "closure".

I obliged.

After our conversation, I (THOUGHT) he got that. We hashed everything out, I was able to tell him how it all went down from my perspective, and in the end, we just decided to be cordial, and check up on each other from time to time. Real superficial and sometime-y.

It ended on an okay note.

Flashback to a couple of weeks later, I was watching a film he got me to love during our "togetherness" (looking back, it was NO relationship). I went to comment on his facebook (our only consistent form of communication. We DON'T talk/text.) and I discovered that I was blocked from communication with him.

I asked him about it, and he said that he didn't want me to fill up his timeline with "me moving on".

We had a huge argument, and haven't spoken since. Good riddance as far as I'm concerned. If you ever cared about me, and you say that we're "cordial", you would feel happy for me and want my happiness.

And furthermore, if you know me, you know that I would never be one of those chicks who brandished their relationship on social media. I'm grown. I'm not some teenager, fool.

What was even more confounding (read: Lame As Fuck) was that around that time, when he "disconnected" with me, I hadn't met some one. I was just livin' my life. No one was in the picture. He couldn't stand looking at the fact that I didn't need/want/love him AT ALL. That I had completely moved clean the fuck on. That when we would be "cordial" we would be just that and nothing more.

Whatever.

After that, he wrote me off and.....lets just say I'm currently "occupied". Truly, madly, deeply. :)

Then today comes along, me right in the middle of all my "occupied-ness", and ALL OF A SUDDEN, out of nowhere, this ass hits me up and has the AUDACITY to ask me if I'm happy.

Um...what?

Here's the thing:

Once you decided that my happiness was something you no longer wanted to be aware of, or wanted to encourage, was the last time you had access to what that is/means.

Mind you, this person moved on. Not long after we split (HE broke up with me. On my birthday. Because he "thought I was going to leave him") he got married. Had children.

The perfect formula for MOVING. ON.

Before I even get a chance to breathe, he was fully engaged, MARRIED, to someone else.

BEFORE I even MET some one, he determined that it was "too much" for him to see my life with out him in it. I completely lost respect for the way he was handling this situation, on the sly and sneaky type shit. But while I didn't understand it (due mostly to the fact that it had ended in 2007, and frankly it was a bitch ass thing to do), I let him have that moment and left him the fuck alone.

Now, you not only want to know if I'm happy, but you want access to that by trying to re-friend me?!

YOU. HAVE. LOST. YOUR. MIND.

(Note: I OVERLY control my Facebook. If I don't know you, you will not have access to anything on my Facebook. I have a job. There are hatin' ass people on there. I DON'T have the time.)

I mean, this person obviously got the game fucked up.

You left as soon as I went about my daily life. YOU made the decision without even consulting me, even before I had become "occupied". NOW, when shit is going so great for me, when I feel like "wow, THIS is how its supposed to be", you want to be around?

Nah.

You made a bitch move. Now deal with it. I don't deal with temper tantrums. Not with children, and ESPECIALLY not with GROWN. ASS. MEN.

FUCK outta here. I have no need for weak ass friends who leave at the first sign of me actually being happy. You made your shitty ass bed. Lie in it.

Good Luck & God Bless.

CuCu

cloud90

My new year is starting off so great.

I feel so much more vibrant, more creative, more adult.

I feel like my planets are starting to align, and my life is about to begin. A contact high of positivity and love has entered into my life and I am so looking forward to the future.

I'm battling with trying to enjoy the present and forcing the very promising future.

I feel inspired, like I can do anything. I feel beautiful, and actually believe it. I feel worthy.

Its so strange. So  unfamiliar. But for the first time, I feel like this is something I could get used to.

I've been laughing more, smiling more. It's crazy. A year ago, I was no where near where I am today. 8 months ago, I was brought into a situation that scarred a friendship. I had started to think that that was how my life was going to be. A life without love.

What a difference. Growth allows wonderful blessings and opportunities pop into your life, ones that could continue to bless you forever.

I feel empowered, stronger. Like I can do anything.

And let me say this:

Whew. You niggas in the past wadn't shit. I totally see that now.

::sips wine and relaxes::

January is slowly becoming PERFECT.

CuCu

Auld Lang Syne

Throughout my experience here on this sphere, I've experienced a lot of fuck boys.

Like, a LOT.

One, completely lying and misleading me to believe something that would never be. Another, completely locked up with the preconceived notions in his mind that he didn't even notice how much I wanted him. Some "convenience" situations, some that just straight up dogged me out.

I should be a bitter bitch right about now.

Thankfully, I went the opposite. I decided to take some time off and reflect, really be alone and evaluate what I want, need, and find what's important to me.

And to be completely honest, it sucked.

My top three fears: Clowns (creepy ass motherfuckers), Drowning (DUH.) and Being Alone.

Since I was a kid, I've never wanted that. If something was going on and I wasn't there, I would always feel left out. If there was fun to be had, I wanted to be there.

So me not being with someone or at least having some form of something with someone was pretty awful for a while.

But after the loneliness, lessons were learned.

Lesson 1: My REAL friends? FUCKING AWESOME PEOPLE. They were there for me in my fragile state, when I needed them the most.

Lesson 2: I knew nothing about love. Being in the situations I was in, I thought I was. I gave my all to few, tried different things with some, and thought I was in love, and that they were "denying" our "relationship". Yeah, no.

Lesson 3: I thought I didn't deserve good things. I didn't think I should have it all. That I would just deal with what I got.

Lesson 4: I was contributing to my failure. By me continuing to deal with these clowns, I was allowing them to keep me down.

There were other, little lessons and trials in there (some people who say they're "with you" and that they "love you" really aren't, yo. And that was a TOUGH one.)

Sometimes you need to remove yourself from the shit pile to see things clearly.

And after it was the worst.....it got better. I was happy, smiling meeting new people, and working hard. Had a couple of hiccups, but I was able to handle them with much more dignity.

I even went to a wedding in Miami. My friends got married and it was amazing. It was great seeing my old friends, letting loose, and having fun with my friends, old and new.

I also closed a big hole with someone from my past while down in Miami and was able to really feel free from something that was weighing me down.

I even met someone very interesting. And HOT.

It was there that things began to turn around.

Work got more hectic and stressful. While I love my job, it was getting to be a lot for a while there. I was feeling drained. I felt disconnected and that I was only in work mode.

But then I made new connections at work. And with HOT. And I feel amazing.

Am I still stressed? Immensely. Do I still get aggravated? Of course.

But something has changed. I have Love.

My family and I are closer than ever. I have a great best friend. I'm helping build old bridges. I'm deleting trash ass people from my life.

And I found Love. Not a person, necessarily, just Love. Because of all the shit, all the crazy, Love has been able to come into my life and give me something to enjoy.

Work's still stressful. Family can still get on my nerves something fierce. I still have a lot of growing to do.

But because of Love, Real Love, I'm able to embrace things in a wonderful way.

Thanks 2013. 2014, lets see if you have some room on your dance card for CuCu.

On Behalf of Jackie D

::sets down coffee cup filled with Jackie D::

I know. It's been a while.

Work. What can I say? I'm a grown up.

It's been hard to balance work and my loved ones lately. I feel like I work too damn much, and I haven't been around. I have no life, no fun, just alcohol and Netflix.

While it's a great escape from work, it's not good with my personal connections. I miss my best friend. I miss my nephew. I miss my night life.

To that last point, I only miss it somewhat. Not a lot, just the atmosphere and drinks and music, and the excitement of going out in your best 'fit and heels. I wouldn't do it all the time, just enough to satisfy the "gana".

I know I gotta make moves to change it. But with my job being like it is, it's going to take much more effort than originally anticipated. But I have to make it happen to be able to do so many more things that I want to.

Change is Coming.

::sips Jackie D::

I'm sitting here listening to my Isley Brothers Pandora station. Man I love music.It's literally everything. I can always find a song that reminds me of a moment, a memory, a love, a friend, a sad situation.

I'm glad that my family raised me to love all different types of music.I love that my iTunes has been described as "weird".

Random. I know. ::shrugs::

::sips more Jackie D::

I'm not a good flirter. I've discovered this recently. Chalk it up to my Sagittarian ways and me not seeing the obvious. Half of the time, I don't even notice when someone likes me. Or if i do know, I think its a glitch in the system. Like, no, you can't like me. you must mean that girl who's much prettier, much more dynamic, much cooler than me.

That's not to say I don't think highly of myself. I think I'm a catch. I just am really surprised when someone sees that. It's a habit of mine I have to ::sips Jackie D:: stop. It's ok for others to notice. I guess I'm not used to it. Especially lately.

Dah well.

Lemme say this.

::sips Jackie D::

You can't expect to receive something you're not ready for. Stop complaining about what you don't have when you're not even appreciative of what you DO have. You want more friends, but you treat the ones that you do have like shit. You want more opportunities, but you're not taking advantage for the ones you already have.

How TF does that even make sense? Do Better.

::sips last of Jackie D in coffee mug::

I hate being a friend to crappy people.

Let me rephrase.

I hate being a good friend to people who aren't willing to reciprocate.

My parents raised me with a Christian heart, to forgive 70 times 7.

I cuss. I'm vulgar. I drink (clearly). I have tattoos. Do lots of things the Bible warns against.

But for some reason, I let people do whatever they want. That's gotta change soon.

Also, I gotta learn how to flirt better. Cuz a bitch is STRUGGLIN' out here. LoL.

I've never been the best, but I used to know a little sumn-sumn.

Maybe I'm just outta practice.

Ok, I'ma go before I spill too much.

::searches bottom of cup for any traces of Jackie D. Nowhere to be found::

Yeah it's time to go. LoL

Night fuckers.

CuCu

Bullshit & Subs

Today was, to borrow from Kevin Hart, somethin' else.

As if work wasn't stressful enough, some bullshit decides to make an impromptu visit.

Although, I do have to say, work wasn't as bad. I work for a great school that specializes in the Entertainment and Media industries, and I was able to help some great future students get started with pursuing their dreams in the Music industry. So while it was stressful (Blame the people I work with. Ugh.), it was still pretty awesome.

Every once in a while, I check my FB at work when the lines are dead or I have a quick sec. I see I have three messages. One from a great friend who I keep up with from time to time (college Mickey D's Buddy!).

Another from someone (female, we'll call her T) who I've recently caught up with. She's been asking me recently about the school I work for (campus program; I deal with online), trying to enroll within the next year. So a message from her is not out of the ordinary.

It was that third message that caught me off guard.

It was a message from that same homegirl's ex boyfriend. EX being the key component.

A little background. I met the girl first during orientation for my college. One of the only girls I could do more than tolerate. Not a lot of my friends knew about her. She wasn't one to drink or party, something that was always the plan living in Tallahassee. When we hung out, it was always like a movie, or seeing each other every once in a while at the mall or something. She was cool, someone different. Living in Tallahassee, everyone always went out or was drinking. Her being someone who didn't do that (a RARITY), it was nice to get to know her in a way that I was used to gaining friends. Natural conversation, not meeting in a loud club or bumpin' house party surrounded by alcohol.

At the end of the first year, she met this dude and they ended up becoming a couple. He was cool. No friction between us. Never really call it a friendship or anything like that, but it was cool. Everything was everything. They broke up. It was a clean one.That's not to say they didn't have problems. Plus, being girls, she was always telling me shit about him and things that would frustrate her about him, and some things I'm sure that he wouldn't like me to know. Some "things he's into", if you will.

But whatever. I charged that to the game. I don't speak to him. I rarely speak to her. It's information I know. We move on.

Around the city, I would see him whenever I went out, pushin' up on chicks. Say "Hey what's good?". Very surface level. I literally haven't spoken to him since 2007.

I open his message and it is a rant about how I need to stop talkin' to T, how she can get in to the school without me. He didn't know why we still spoke. How I got no business with her and I should leave her alone.

HUH?!

I messaged back and said ".........um, what?" I clearly didn't understand what he was talking about. He said that he didn't appreciate me speaking to her, and he heard that I was bad mouthin' his relationship when they were together. He had said he heard it from another friend (Tallahassee is SUPER small). I told him that wasn't the case, and that he needed to get his facts straight. Then he started to (try) to come for me, saying that I was always a hater, and I never approved of his relationship with T. Other shit that lame dudes say when they are on some dumb shit.

HUH???? This is a dude who I never spoke to! I can count on one hand how many meaningful conversations I've had with him.

I messaged her (we ain't friends on FB) and was like "Yo, what's good with your boy, dude?" She responded with she doesn't know what happened, why he's trippin', she hasn't spoken with him in years, blah, blah, blah. I asked how he knew we had been talking about her getting in to school if she hadn't spoken with him in years.

I have yet to get a response.

Like....where the fuck is this coming from?

I told him to mind his business, to leave me alone, and have a nice bum ass life.

I messaged T and told her to not speak with me until she handled that. I also told her I'm completely willing to help her with whatever she needs as far as the school goes, but I won't help her if it brings drama to my door.

Now T. Girl.

Don't come to me talking about you haven't spoken to him when he knows what you and I have been discussing. Just be honest. Like I said, I'll help you. But girl, keep that bullshit far FAR away from me.

Now to you, THIS NIGGA.

Do not come for me. You're nowhere near me. You live in Texas. Why are you kerfuffled about what's goin' on between two people in northern and central Florida?

Also, I know FAR more than you think. Ya girl opened the floodgates, and I know whatcha like, bruh.

I don't know you, I have no ill will towards you. But when you come around this way with the bullshit, please remember I KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE. She told me. Yeah. So calm that shit down, dude.

Also, like most people with a twitter, you air out frustrations. Whatever.

3 different people hit me with the good DM talkin' about "Yo, you talkin about me?"

THREE. DIFFERENT. PEOPLE.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, mind your GD business because I'm not gonna explain it to you. If its about you, trust me. You'll know.

I was frustrated. I tweeted. It's really not as deep as you try to make it.

Like calm down yo. Jeez. All up in my tweets and shit.

Don't you have shit to do? Responsibilities? Jobs?

Let me vent! It's twitter! Dang!

If you don't know, either get the facts, or just laugh at my tweets.

Oh, also, feel free to disregard them as well. That is another option you have.

Whew. What a day. At least I had a good day at work, which has become few and far between as of late.

And my boy Dan is cancer free!! The prayers have been answered, and it's gone. God's Good, y'all.

Until next time.....


CuCu

Purge.

I Have Shit On My Chest.

Here we go.

Number 1: Blessings.

I want to start off with something positive. I had a pretty good 2012. It wasn't everything I had hoped for, but I am happy that I learned and gained so much. I got a great job with an amazing company and have been able to be blessed beyond measure. I can buy things for myself and those I love, and be around for fun things and not be completely.....well lame. LoL.

I've learned a lot about myself. I'm stronger than I had thought, and I was able to navigate some situations that I originally thought I wouldn't be able to.

Yay Me.

I thank God for guiding me thru this year, taking care of all of my loved ones, and not only pouring blessings on me, but them as well.

Good Looks, Jesus. I look forward to what you have in store for me in 2013.

Number 2: Mind Your Own

What will always piss me off is people who are nosy. I keep shit real close to the chest. I reveal only what I wish.

MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. If I want you to know something, you will. If I don't let you in on something specific, realize that there is a reason why. If anything, tell yourself that I'm protecting you from something that could possibly harm you. Whatever you need to tell yourself to leave the subject THE ENTIRE FUCK ALONE.

And, by the way, you asking me over and over again is not got to make me give in and just tell you.

If I don't want you to know, you won't.

DEAL.

I'm careful who I let know what about me, my life, and my thoughts. I never want to give out too much info for someone else to use on me at will. What's the point of giving someone a loaded gun?

Now I don't have some mind-blowing, extraordinary secret. I'm (for the most part) pretty normal. Another reason for people to not go so Sherlock Holmes on my ass. But I do have things that I'd rather leave in the hands of someone I know who won't try to screw me over at some point, or at least someone who isn't juvenile enough to use it against me just because we had a disagreement about something.

I don't know.

At the end of the day, people wanting to know who I am have to be masterful at how they approach a convo with me, or be really really REALLY patient with me.

Secrets don't make friends. But they keep people intrigued, and save my ass from being grass.

Number 3: Indecisive People

I've never understood what gives people the idea that coming in and out of your life is not only allowed, but something that can be done at the drop of the dime.

In my (much) younger (read: dumber) days, I let people fuck up, "leave", and then "come back" like nothing ever happened, much to the frustration of all those that truly care for me most. And it left me completely fucked. 

Now, I'm wiser (refuse to say "older", LoL), and I really try to see things and situations for what they are and not necessarily for what I wish them to be. If it looks like shit, and smells like shit, I'm not gonna call that fertilizer that can help my future plants grow.

It's shit, and I don't want it anywhere near me.

If you want to leave, talk shit, that's fine. Do You, Boo. But best believe once you leave, you're fucking out. No reentry in this motherfucker. So choose wisely. I don't have time for people to come and go as they please. I've had people (My Best Friend/Sister/Wife) stick thru thick and thin, even when I fucked up. So I know that it's possible and that I'm not completely crazy and wrong. So if you want to stay, you can.

If you don't, BYE. I'm not bothered. 

Number 4: Honesty

There was a point in my life where honesty scared me. It was the way I was raised. Even if it was as clear as day, it wasn't talked about.

Now that I've grown up, I've come to kind of crave it. Crave's a bad word.

REQUIRE. Better.

Listen, being honest is not for the faint of heart. But it's the best way to live. Be honest. You pissed? Say when and why. You don't like someone? Let 'em know before it gets anywhere. Someone asks you how they look and they look like a hot ass muthafuckin mess? Let em know before everyone sees them as the person who has no one that cares for them.

It helps everyone!

You may get your feelings hurt. You may hurt others. But never permanently. Eventually, the person who you're honest with will have to respect and appreciate the fact that you didn't lie. We all learn eventually from honesty. The key to it is that the moment the person you're honest with appreciates you truthfulness may not be witnessed by you. Just trust and believe that at some point the person will, however silent and fleeting the moment will be, thank you for your realness.

Trust me. I'm a Professional.

Number 5: Girly Moments

Ask all of my friends. I may look girly, but I'm not completely girly. 

Now don't misunderstand. I love heels and dresses and lipstick and bows and all that shit. 

But on my days off, I make sure and watch at least 2 hours of SportsCenter. 

First Take is MY. SHIT. Steven A. Smith is my uncle I know it.

I love sports documentaries. I organize my errands and shopping around football games. I'd much rather get tickets to a game than go out on a dinner date.

I'm so serious.

Once, one of my really good friends and his cousin came to my house to have dinner with me, my sister, and my mother. They thought it was gonna be a whole sit around the table deal. The 3 of us ladies copped a squat in front of the tv, watched SportsCenter, and had a heated (not really. We're Puerto Rican, so everything sounds like an argument) debate about football for the entire meal. The two guests (both male) were in shock.

I LOOK girly. Not completely.

I say that to say this: when REAL girly moments decide to manifest, it scares me. LoL.

I don't like being too vulnerable and girly. It's nice to know that I can still activate that when appropriate, but it's something so unfamiliar to me that when I do have those moments, it freaks me out, for lack of a better term. 

Think of it like a Hulk. It's badass, but hard to control.

Lately, they've been making frequent appearances (i.e. previous posts). 

I hate that shit yo. Forreal.

But I'm gonna try to put a leash on it and figure it out so it can fit the person I am. Not trying to freak ol' dude out. LoL

For real though, I'm pretty laid back. I'm a good mix of both. Don't take a lot of shit seriously. Easy going. As long as you're upfront, laid back, and funny, you'll rarely get into a tiff with me. 

Play your video games. Hang out with your boys.

But don't be pissed off if you see me at the bar with my people screaming at the TV at a pick 6.

::shrugs::

Welp. That's enough for now. It's after 1am, and my iTunes got me vibin in my PJs.

CuCu