Purge.

I Have Shit On My Chest.

Here we go.

Number 1: Blessings.

I want to start off with something positive. I had a pretty good 2012. It wasn't everything I had hoped for, but I am happy that I learned and gained so much. I got a great job with an amazing company and have been able to be blessed beyond measure. I can buy things for myself and those I love, and be around for fun things and not be completely.....well lame. LoL.

I've learned a lot about myself. I'm stronger than I had thought, and I was able to navigate some situations that I originally thought I wouldn't be able to.

Yay Me.

I thank God for guiding me thru this year, taking care of all of my loved ones, and not only pouring blessings on me, but them as well.

Good Looks, Jesus. I look forward to what you have in store for me in 2013.

Number 2: Mind Your Own

What will always piss me off is people who are nosy. I keep shit real close to the chest. I reveal only what I wish.

MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. If I want you to know something, you will. If I don't let you in on something specific, realize that there is a reason why. If anything, tell yourself that I'm protecting you from something that could possibly harm you. Whatever you need to tell yourself to leave the subject THE ENTIRE FUCK ALONE.

And, by the way, you asking me over and over again is not got to make me give in and just tell you.

If I don't want you to know, you won't.

DEAL.

I'm careful who I let know what about me, my life, and my thoughts. I never want to give out too much info for someone else to use on me at will. What's the point of giving someone a loaded gun?

Now I don't have some mind-blowing, extraordinary secret. I'm (for the most part) pretty normal. Another reason for people to not go so Sherlock Holmes on my ass. But I do have things that I'd rather leave in the hands of someone I know who won't try to screw me over at some point, or at least someone who isn't juvenile enough to use it against me just because we had a disagreement about something.

I don't know.

At the end of the day, people wanting to know who I am have to be masterful at how they approach a convo with me, or be really really REALLY patient with me.

Secrets don't make friends. But they keep people intrigued, and save my ass from being grass.

Number 3: Indecisive People

I've never understood what gives people the idea that coming in and out of your life is not only allowed, but something that can be done at the drop of the dime.

In my (much) younger (read: dumber) days, I let people fuck up, "leave", and then "come back" like nothing ever happened, much to the frustration of all those that truly care for me most. And it left me completely fucked. 

Now, I'm wiser (refuse to say "older", LoL), and I really try to see things and situations for what they are and not necessarily for what I wish them to be. If it looks like shit, and smells like shit, I'm not gonna call that fertilizer that can help my future plants grow.

It's shit, and I don't want it anywhere near me.

If you want to leave, talk shit, that's fine. Do You, Boo. But best believe once you leave, you're fucking out. No reentry in this motherfucker. So choose wisely. I don't have time for people to come and go as they please. I've had people (My Best Friend/Sister/Wife) stick thru thick and thin, even when I fucked up. So I know that it's possible and that I'm not completely crazy and wrong. So if you want to stay, you can.

If you don't, BYE. I'm not bothered. 

Number 4: Honesty

There was a point in my life where honesty scared me. It was the way I was raised. Even if it was as clear as day, it wasn't talked about.

Now that I've grown up, I've come to kind of crave it. Crave's a bad word.

REQUIRE. Better.

Listen, being honest is not for the faint of heart. But it's the best way to live. Be honest. You pissed? Say when and why. You don't like someone? Let 'em know before it gets anywhere. Someone asks you how they look and they look like a hot ass muthafuckin mess? Let em know before everyone sees them as the person who has no one that cares for them.

It helps everyone!

You may get your feelings hurt. You may hurt others. But never permanently. Eventually, the person who you're honest with will have to respect and appreciate the fact that you didn't lie. We all learn eventually from honesty. The key to it is that the moment the person you're honest with appreciates you truthfulness may not be witnessed by you. Just trust and believe that at some point the person will, however silent and fleeting the moment will be, thank you for your realness.

Trust me. I'm a Professional.

Number 5: Girly Moments

Ask all of my friends. I may look girly, but I'm not completely girly. 

Now don't misunderstand. I love heels and dresses and lipstick and bows and all that shit. 

But on my days off, I make sure and watch at least 2 hours of SportsCenter. 

First Take is MY. SHIT. Steven A. Smith is my uncle I know it.

I love sports documentaries. I organize my errands and shopping around football games. I'd much rather get tickets to a game than go out on a dinner date.

I'm so serious.

Once, one of my really good friends and his cousin came to my house to have dinner with me, my sister, and my mother. They thought it was gonna be a whole sit around the table deal. The 3 of us ladies copped a squat in front of the tv, watched SportsCenter, and had a heated (not really. We're Puerto Rican, so everything sounds like an argument) debate about football for the entire meal. The two guests (both male) were in shock.

I LOOK girly. Not completely.

I say that to say this: when REAL girly moments decide to manifest, it scares me. LoL.

I don't like being too vulnerable and girly. It's nice to know that I can still activate that when appropriate, but it's something so unfamiliar to me that when I do have those moments, it freaks me out, for lack of a better term. 

Think of it like a Hulk. It's badass, but hard to control.

Lately, they've been making frequent appearances (i.e. previous posts). 

I hate that shit yo. Forreal.

But I'm gonna try to put a leash on it and figure it out so it can fit the person I am. Not trying to freak ol' dude out. LoL

For real though, I'm pretty laid back. I'm a good mix of both. Don't take a lot of shit seriously. Easy going. As long as you're upfront, laid back, and funny, you'll rarely get into a tiff with me. 

Play your video games. Hang out with your boys.

But don't be pissed off if you see me at the bar with my people screaming at the TV at a pick 6.

::shrugs::

Welp. That's enough for now. It's after 1am, and my iTunes got me vibin in my PJs.

CuCu

Dear You: The Interviewee

Dear You,

I am very glad I got to finally get to know you. But I don't believe we're destined to cross paths again.

It's nothing against you personally.

(Actually, not true.)

I just feel that you are not a match for what I'm looking for. I'm the kind of person that you can tell anything to and I wouldn't judge you.

If you were honest from the beginning.

But if you hide something and I find out later on, you are subject to my judgement. 

And I don't expect you to care. Just letting you know.

I mean, I was under the impression that you had asked me, but in reality it was as if I had asked you.

(Which, according to popular consensus, doesn't even matter)

But if I was made aware of your situation prior, it would not have been an issue for me. Fuck whatever others say. I'd would have went and had fun.

I did have fun, don't mistake that. But I had fun eating. 

You interrupting me in the middle of my conversation to tell me I'm beautiful is not what I require. I have a loving father who tells me that everyday. I'm not one of these wounded chicks that need that type of support. I thank you for trying, but it's not necessary. 

Then to be upset the week after our encounter that I wasn't interacting as much after I specifically told you that I was going to be in training for my new job is just further proof of me feeling like  you weren't really listening to me at all.

Again, to your defense, that may have worked before. You were sticking to what you knew. 

And I understand that. I mean no shade or ill will or ire towards that.

But it's something that just doesn't work for me. 

It's just too much. I'm kinda thinkin' that things would be better if we were just cool interweb pals. 

I think that's fair, right?

So again, thank you so much for trying. I wish you future success, and all of the blessings that you deserve in this life and the next.

Love,

CuCu

Pavo Frio.

My favorite uncle came to visit me today. He currently lives in Georgia, but his financial advisor lives here, so he paid him (and us) a visit.

The reason he's my favorite uncle is because of one simple thing:

He's the most honest person in my entire family.

No bullshit. No gimmicks. Even if it's not nice, pretty, or pristine, he'll always keep in 100.

He also came down to get some advice from his sister (my Moms) about another situation with another uncle (their brother). We'll call him Uncle #2.

Four years ago, Unc #2 and my father lost their jobs due to outsourcing. They had worked for the company (very well known and VERY wealthy) for about 20 years apiece. Seeing the loyalty, they were offered other positions within the company, but, of course, at lesser pay. My father accepted a position, while Unc #2, consumed with animosity and pride, declined. Four years later, my father is still in the same position he was offered with his old salary from his previous job while Unc #2 is still jobless. Fast forward 2 years later, where my favorite uncle got hit by a car in a horrific accident. After all the court fees, he got a substantial settlement. Long story short, Unc #2 is being provided for my my fav. uncle, to his own financial detriment.

It's now come to a head.

My fav. uncle is tired of being taken advantage of. Due to his stubborn pride, Unc #2 refuses to help himself and just rests on fav. uncle's laurels. A deadline has been set and my fav. uncle is afraid that this could end the relationship he has with his brother, and due to our family history, this usually leads to both parties erasing the other out of their lives. My grandmother did it to her daughter. One of my other uncles completely disowned all of us, including his own kids.

In other words, we're REAL good for this shit.

Now he (fav. uncle) is trying desperately to not let it get to that point. He doesn't want to hurt his brother, but he can't financially do it anymore. He can't take care of him, his wife, and pay for his brother in a whole other state either.

And he was asking my family (me, my sister, my parents) what he should do.

I've come to the realization that this is happening (in some form or another) to a lot of people I deal with, and can be translated to many different types of relationships.

Here's what I said.

First things first: If helping/caring for/loving someone is to your detriment, LET GO. If you are incapable of doing those things (help/care for/love) yourself, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO DO IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE. You can't.

Next, once someone you put all your care in, in any capacity, completely disregards how they are treating you, all interactions should be changed from personal to business. Being taken advantage of? Cut that shit off cold turkey and keep it moving. Someone not respecting your feelings? Cut that shit off and keep it moving. Someone completely ignoring your wants, needs, hopes, and desires?

CUT. THAT. SHIT. OFF. AND. KEEP. IT. MOVING.

As soon as the rules of engagement change on their end, in order for your self preservation and dignity to stay intact, you MUST change with it. Once the other party sees you ain't playing, they'll either renegotiate and try to work things out or leave for someone who wants to play on THEIR terms, so you really don't need that toxic person in your life ANYWAY. Let Go, Let God.

Buh-bye.

Now, no one said it's gonna be easy. You care about this person. You don't want to see them upset. But you hurting yourself is not gonna help them. Breaking away is THE HARDEST thing to do. I know what that feels like.

"I'll never get over it." "S/He'll never forgive me." "I'll never find that again."

(That second one is dependant on the situation. But personally I feel that if you've done nothing wrong, you shouldn't ask for forgiveness. But whatever.)

All those things can be true if you put yourself in that position. But if by involving yourself with someone causes you to lose/hurt you, you have to get out quick, or you risk sinking with the Titanic of a problem you chose to drown with.

I was in love with someone for far too long who depleted me as a person. Then it was over.

::snap:: Done.

And, I'll be the first to admit it. I hurt for 366 days. I went thru what I thought was the worst pain imaginable.

But on that 367th day, I felt something I didn't feel in a while.

Liberation.

To be rid of negative, heavy load that I chose to carry for so long was otherworldly. I didn't have to worry about hurting someone else's feelings because I was nurturing my own. Feeling that opened up many things that were closed off to me because I was so consumed by what I was giving to someone who didn't care.

The key is to put yourself in a position to both help yourself (FIRST), and others. And also to decipher who's not in it with you to help themselves, but to help build you up as well.

Now listen. You need to come to the realization that there are hard-headed people out there who need to learn the hard way. The only way they know not to touch the hot stove is to be burned by it.

Let them. Will it hurt them? Absolutely. Will it hurt you? Yes, but not as long as you think. And how long will solely depend on you. Will it ultimately help them? If they are truly receptive, Exponentially.

Cold Turkey is the hardest, but bravest decision to make when it comes to people who leech off of you financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically, with the best results in the long run.

Try it and see.

But if you don't, you're basically telling yourself that the only way for this person to be happy is if you're not.

MAKES NO SENSE.

Walk away, and if it reconnects organically and things have changed for the better, then you're well on your way to a happy life. If it leaves you permanently, you've just made room for someone better to occupy that space.

Win-Win.

CuCu

Huh.

I know that whoever I end up with I know I will be a challenge. I'm stubborn, strong-willed, often erratic, and restless. Coming from a family of mostly women, I've been around these personalities my whole life. I admire women with strong personalities and are deeply rooted in their moral beliefs and life perspective.

In that same vein, the men that accompanied them were the quiet, yet strong. Calm, yet commanding. Kinda like a tree. They don't make noise, aren't ostentatious in their color aspect, but hit one of those motherfuckers, and the one who ends up damaged is you.

No matter how hard these women came at them, at the end of it, the men endured, got their point across, taught the women a lesson, and loved them all at once. My parents are the prime example. Married 28 years, they've been through it all. My mother is probably the most diffucult woman I've ever come in contact with. While loving, sweet, caring and compassionate, she can be a little much. My father is her balance. They share the same qualities, but he's not so quick to pop off. But I'll be damned if he let my mother run all over him. There was no way in hell that my mother would attempt to bust his balls and she would win. My father set her straight without hurting her in any way, shape, or form. And my mother learned not to treat him that way anymore.

I am so sick and tired of men behaving like they can't tell their woman to knock it off. We as people are not perfect. There is gonna be a time when you do something that's gonna piss someone the fuck off. That's just the way it is. But if no one tells you "Hey. That shit that you're doing that pisses me off? Yeah that. Can you not do that anymore?", what's the point of stopping that kind of behavior? Stand your ground fellas! If her actions are something that you're not willing to deal with, then dammit, let her know! You don't let any other dude talk to you any type a way, why THE FUCK would you let some female?

Seriously, there's nothing worse than an emasculated man. It's like a plane without wings, or a car with no wheels. So much purpose, but no tools to execute it. Seriously, it's almost as sad as a starving African baby.

I may be a bitch sometimes, speak out of turn, and like I said before, be stubborn. But if wanting a strong man who will challenge me makes me all of those things, than so be it.

I don't want someone to run like a robot. Life is a battle. I want someone in the trenches with me.

Is that to much to ask for?

CuCu