.:Pharrell & Legos:.

I'm building something.

Something incredible.

My happiness has been thru the roof lately. Contrary to what my last blog says (bum), I have been crazily overjoyed with happiness. Not only in my personal life, but in my loved ones lives as well.

My mom and dad are stronger than ever. My sister and I's bond is amazing. Getting rid of dead weight has liberated me like I never would have imagined.

My best friend is happy. It's so amazing to FINALLY see her get the love, happiness, and respect that she deserves. She's the most caring, giving person I know, and it's great to see her getting some of that back.

Now, don't get me wrong. Work still stresses me out, but hey. It's work. Even still, I think about how happy I am and it immediately diminishes the the stress.

A lot of it has to do with Him.

He changes my outlook. He allows me to come as I am, and  and because of that, he enters my mind, body, and soul.

No, it's not a boy. Or a girl, for clarification. It's God.

I had a strange dream the other day. I was frantically driving (HA!) around the city, looking feverishly for challah bread.

Yes. Challah bread.

Now when I say feverishly, think of moms clawing and fighting for Tickle Me Elmo dolls in Winter of '96. I HAD to have it.

The crazy part was that it wasn't even for me. Throughout the dream, I had a strong sense of "I NEED to give this to my family, or they'll DIE."

Crazy, right?

Bakery after bakery, I stormed in. Screaming desperately, "Do you have any loaves of challah bread?"

All met with a resounding "No."

The more bakeries I visited, the more the sinking feeling started to set in: my family is going to DIE.

By the end of the dream, I had pulled up to my house, crying in despair, because I didn't find any Challah Bread.

Yeah. I know.

I woke up with such a sense of deep, depressing sadness. And I didn't know why.

I spoke with my sister, and she was able to really break it down for me: I was needing to feed my life, my family, my loved ones, with God's word. If not, they may not be fulfilled.

I may not be fulfilled.

Because of stress and the sometimes distracting gravitational pull of new love, I had been pulling away from God. My daily devotionals, I had completely abandoned them. By no one's fault but my own.

After listening to my younger sis, and getting spiritually smacked in the head, I went right back to it. It's amazing what happens when you get back to where you're supposed to be. All of my happiness seemed....REALER. It seemed to be signed off by God. My relationships with my family, best friend, my love, seemed to be even more authentic. Like going from a black and white analog TV to digital HD 3D. Live and in technicolor.

God is something that's always been a part of my life. I wouldn't be able to function with out it. So while I was happy and distracted, it seemed to plateau. Not in a sense that I didn't feel good, but I wasn't able to see the possibilities. The happiness was happy, and the stressful was stressful, and that was the black bottom line.

Now, with my rejuvenation, I feel like the best is yet to come. While the stress is still stressful, I feel like I can take on anything. My love seems overwhelming, it the most FANTASTIC way. I feel that once I confront it head on, live and in person, I'll be overwhelmed with joy, to the point of tears. I don't think I've ever been this happy in my life, and the fact that I'm overwhelmed and I feel like I don't know what's gonna happen, is literally the best feeling in the world.

On top of that, feeling like this is where I'm supposed to be, what He wants for me, my life, my family, my future? Man.

It's exhilarating.

I'm ready.

CuCu

iCan'tEven

Some people have NERVE.

A while ago, last year, I had a meeting with an old flame who I was with for about 8 months or so back in 2007. He contacted me, wanting to get "closure".

I obliged.

After our conversation, I (THOUGHT) he got that. We hashed everything out, I was able to tell him how it all went down from my perspective, and in the end, we just decided to be cordial, and check up on each other from time to time. Real superficial and sometime-y.

It ended on an okay note.

Flashback to a couple of weeks later, I was watching a film he got me to love during our "togetherness" (looking back, it was NO relationship). I went to comment on his facebook (our only consistent form of communication. We DON'T talk/text.) and I discovered that I was blocked from communication with him.

I asked him about it, and he said that he didn't want me to fill up his timeline with "me moving on".

We had a huge argument, and haven't spoken since. Good riddance as far as I'm concerned. If you ever cared about me, and you say that we're "cordial", you would feel happy for me and want my happiness.

And furthermore, if you know me, you know that I would never be one of those chicks who brandished their relationship on social media. I'm grown. I'm not some teenager, fool.

What was even more confounding (read: Lame As Fuck) was that around that time, when he "disconnected" with me, I hadn't met some one. I was just livin' my life. No one was in the picture. He couldn't stand looking at the fact that I didn't need/want/love him AT ALL. That I had completely moved clean the fuck on. That when we would be "cordial" we would be just that and nothing more.

Whatever.

After that, he wrote me off and.....lets just say I'm currently "occupied". Truly, madly, deeply. :)

Then today comes along, me right in the middle of all my "occupied-ness", and ALL OF A SUDDEN, out of nowhere, this ass hits me up and has the AUDACITY to ask me if I'm happy.

Um...what?

Here's the thing:

Once you decided that my happiness was something you no longer wanted to be aware of, or wanted to encourage, was the last time you had access to what that is/means.

Mind you, this person moved on. Not long after we split (HE broke up with me. On my birthday. Because he "thought I was going to leave him") he got married. Had children.

The perfect formula for MOVING. ON.

Before I even get a chance to breathe, he was fully engaged, MARRIED, to someone else.

BEFORE I even MET some one, he determined that it was "too much" for him to see my life with out him in it. I completely lost respect for the way he was handling this situation, on the sly and sneaky type shit. But while I didn't understand it (due mostly to the fact that it had ended in 2007, and frankly it was a bitch ass thing to do), I let him have that moment and left him the fuck alone.

Now, you not only want to know if I'm happy, but you want access to that by trying to re-friend me?!

YOU. HAVE. LOST. YOUR. MIND.

(Note: I OVERLY control my Facebook. If I don't know you, you will not have access to anything on my Facebook. I have a job. There are hatin' ass people on there. I DON'T have the time.)

I mean, this person obviously got the game fucked up.

You left as soon as I went about my daily life. YOU made the decision without even consulting me, even before I had become "occupied". NOW, when shit is going so great for me, when I feel like "wow, THIS is how its supposed to be", you want to be around?

Nah.

You made a bitch move. Now deal with it. I don't deal with temper tantrums. Not with children, and ESPECIALLY not with GROWN. ASS. MEN.

FUCK outta here. I have no need for weak ass friends who leave at the first sign of me actually being happy. You made your shitty ass bed. Lie in it.

Good Luck & God Bless.

CuCu

cloud90

My new year is starting off so great.

I feel so much more vibrant, more creative, more adult.

I feel like my planets are starting to align, and my life is about to begin. A contact high of positivity and love has entered into my life and I am so looking forward to the future.

I'm battling with trying to enjoy the present and forcing the very promising future.

I feel inspired, like I can do anything. I feel beautiful, and actually believe it. I feel worthy.

Its so strange. So  unfamiliar. But for the first time, I feel like this is something I could get used to.

I've been laughing more, smiling more. It's crazy. A year ago, I was no where near where I am today. 8 months ago, I was brought into a situation that scarred a friendship. I had started to think that that was how my life was going to be. A life without love.

What a difference. Growth allows wonderful blessings and opportunities pop into your life, ones that could continue to bless you forever.

I feel empowered, stronger. Like I can do anything.

And let me say this:

Whew. You niggas in the past wadn't shit. I totally see that now.

::sips wine and relaxes::

January is slowly becoming PERFECT.

CuCu

Auld Lang Syne

Throughout my experience here on this sphere, I've experienced a lot of fuck boys.

Like, a LOT.

One, completely lying and misleading me to believe something that would never be. Another, completely locked up with the preconceived notions in his mind that he didn't even notice how much I wanted him. Some "convenience" situations, some that just straight up dogged me out.

I should be a bitter bitch right about now.

Thankfully, I went the opposite. I decided to take some time off and reflect, really be alone and evaluate what I want, need, and find what's important to me.

And to be completely honest, it sucked.

My top three fears: Clowns (creepy ass motherfuckers), Drowning (DUH.) and Being Alone.

Since I was a kid, I've never wanted that. If something was going on and I wasn't there, I would always feel left out. If there was fun to be had, I wanted to be there.

So me not being with someone or at least having some form of something with someone was pretty awful for a while.

But after the loneliness, lessons were learned.

Lesson 1: My REAL friends? FUCKING AWESOME PEOPLE. They were there for me in my fragile state, when I needed them the most.

Lesson 2: I knew nothing about love. Being in the situations I was in, I thought I was. I gave my all to few, tried different things with some, and thought I was in love, and that they were "denying" our "relationship". Yeah, no.

Lesson 3: I thought I didn't deserve good things. I didn't think I should have it all. That I would just deal with what I got.

Lesson 4: I was contributing to my failure. By me continuing to deal with these clowns, I was allowing them to keep me down.

There were other, little lessons and trials in there (some people who say they're "with you" and that they "love you" really aren't, yo. And that was a TOUGH one.)

Sometimes you need to remove yourself from the shit pile to see things clearly.

And after it was the worst.....it got better. I was happy, smiling meeting new people, and working hard. Had a couple of hiccups, but I was able to handle them with much more dignity.

I even went to a wedding in Miami. My friends got married and it was amazing. It was great seeing my old friends, letting loose, and having fun with my friends, old and new.

I also closed a big hole with someone from my past while down in Miami and was able to really feel free from something that was weighing me down.

I even met someone very interesting. And HOT.

It was there that things began to turn around.

Work got more hectic and stressful. While I love my job, it was getting to be a lot for a while there. I was feeling drained. I felt disconnected and that I was only in work mode.

But then I made new connections at work. And with HOT. And I feel amazing.

Am I still stressed? Immensely. Do I still get aggravated? Of course.

But something has changed. I have Love.

My family and I are closer than ever. I have a great best friend. I'm helping build old bridges. I'm deleting trash ass people from my life.

And I found Love. Not a person, necessarily, just Love. Because of all the shit, all the crazy, Love has been able to come into my life and give me something to enjoy.

Work's still stressful. Family can still get on my nerves something fierce. I still have a lot of growing to do.

But because of Love, Real Love, I'm able to embrace things in a wonderful way.

Thanks 2013. 2014, lets see if you have some room on your dance card for CuCu.