My new year is starting off so great.
I feel so much more vibrant, more creative, more adult.
I feel like my planets are starting to align, and my life is about to begin. A contact high of positivity and love has entered into my life and I am so looking forward to the future.
I'm battling with trying to enjoy the present and forcing the very promising future.
I feel inspired, like I can do anything. I feel beautiful, and actually believe it. I feel worthy.
Its so strange. So unfamiliar. But for the first time, I feel like this is something I could get used to.
I've been laughing more, smiling more. It's crazy. A year ago, I was no where near where I am today. 8 months ago, I was brought into a situation that scarred a friendship. I had started to think that that was how my life was going to be. A life without love.
What a difference. Growth allows wonderful blessings and opportunities pop into your life, ones that could continue to bless you forever.
I feel empowered, stronger. Like I can do anything.
And let me say this:
Whew. You niggas in the past wadn't shit. I totally see that now.
::sips wine and relaxes::
January is slowly becoming PERFECT.
CuCu
Friday, January 3, 2014
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Auld Lang Syne
Throughout my experience here on this sphere, I've experienced a lot of fuck boys.
Like, a LOT.
One, completely lying and misleading me to believe something that would never be. Another, completely locked up with the preconceived notions in his mind that he didn't even notice how much I wanted him. Some "convenience" situations, some that just straight up dogged me out.
I should be a bitter bitch right about now.
Thankfully, I went the opposite. I decided to take some time off and reflect, really be alone and evaluate what I want, need, and find what's important to me.
And to be completely honest, it sucked.
My top three fears: Clowns (creepy ass motherfuckers), Drowning (DUH.) and Being Alone.
Since I was a kid, I've never wanted that. If something was going on and I wasn't there, I would always feel left out. If there was fun to be had, I wanted to be there.
So me not being with someone or at least having some form of something with someone was pretty awful for a while.
But after the loneliness, lessons were learned.
Lesson 1: My REAL friends? FUCKING AWESOME PEOPLE. They were there for me in my fragile state, when I needed them the most.
Lesson 2: I knew nothing about love. Being in the situations I was in, I thought I was. I gave my all to few, tried different things with some, and thought I was in love, and that they were "denying" our "relationship". Yeah, no.
Lesson 3: I thought I didn't deserve good things. I didn't think I should have it all. That I would just deal with what I got.
Lesson 4: I was contributing to my failure. By me continuing to deal with these clowns, I was allowing them to keep me down.
There were other, little lessons and trials in there (some people who say they're "with you" and that they "love you" really aren't, yo. And that was a TOUGH one.)
Sometimes you need to remove yourself from the shit pile to see things clearly.
And after it was the worst.....it got better. I was happy, smiling meeting new people, and working hard. Had a couple of hiccups, but I was able to handle them with much more dignity.
I even went to a wedding in Miami. My friends got married and it was amazing. It was great seeing my old friends, letting loose, and having fun with my friends, old and new.
I also closed a big hole with someone from my past while down in Miami and was able to really feel free from something that was weighing me down.
I even met someone very interesting. And HOT.
It was there that things began to turn around.
Work got more hectic and stressful. While I love my job, it was getting to be a lot for a while there. I was feeling drained. I felt disconnected and that I was only in work mode.
But then I made new connections at work. And with HOT. And I feel amazing.
Am I still stressed? Immensely. Do I still get aggravated? Of course.
But something has changed. I have Love.
My family and I are closer than ever. I have a great best friend. I'm helping build old bridges. I'm deleting trash ass people from my life.
And I found Love. Not a person, necessarily, just Love. Because of all the shit, all the crazy, Love has been able to come into my life and give me something to enjoy.
Work's still stressful. Family can still get on my nerves something fierce. I still have a lot of growing to do.
But because of Love, Real Love, I'm able to embrace things in a wonderful way.
Thanks 2013. 2014, lets see if you have some room on your dance card for CuCu.
Like, a LOT.
One, completely lying and misleading me to believe something that would never be. Another, completely locked up with the preconceived notions in his mind that he didn't even notice how much I wanted him. Some "convenience" situations, some that just straight up dogged me out.
I should be a bitter bitch right about now.
Thankfully, I went the opposite. I decided to take some time off and reflect, really be alone and evaluate what I want, need, and find what's important to me.
And to be completely honest, it sucked.
My top three fears: Clowns (creepy ass motherfuckers), Drowning (DUH.) and Being Alone.
Since I was a kid, I've never wanted that. If something was going on and I wasn't there, I would always feel left out. If there was fun to be had, I wanted to be there.
So me not being with someone or at least having some form of something with someone was pretty awful for a while.
But after the loneliness, lessons were learned.
Lesson 1: My REAL friends? FUCKING AWESOME PEOPLE. They were there for me in my fragile state, when I needed them the most.
Lesson 2: I knew nothing about love. Being in the situations I was in, I thought I was. I gave my all to few, tried different things with some, and thought I was in love, and that they were "denying" our "relationship". Yeah, no.
Lesson 3: I thought I didn't deserve good things. I didn't think I should have it all. That I would just deal with what I got.
Lesson 4: I was contributing to my failure. By me continuing to deal with these clowns, I was allowing them to keep me down.
There were other, little lessons and trials in there (some people who say they're "with you" and that they "love you" really aren't, yo. And that was a TOUGH one.)
Sometimes you need to remove yourself from the shit pile to see things clearly.
And after it was the worst.....it got better. I was happy, smiling meeting new people, and working hard. Had a couple of hiccups, but I was able to handle them with much more dignity.
I even went to a wedding in Miami. My friends got married and it was amazing. It was great seeing my old friends, letting loose, and having fun with my friends, old and new.
I also closed a big hole with someone from my past while down in Miami and was able to really feel free from something that was weighing me down.
I even met someone very interesting. And HOT.
It was there that things began to turn around.
Work got more hectic and stressful. While I love my job, it was getting to be a lot for a while there. I was feeling drained. I felt disconnected and that I was only in work mode.
But then I made new connections at work. And with HOT. And I feel amazing.
Am I still stressed? Immensely. Do I still get aggravated? Of course.
But something has changed. I have Love.
My family and I are closer than ever. I have a great best friend. I'm helping build old bridges. I'm deleting trash ass people from my life.
And I found Love. Not a person, necessarily, just Love. Because of all the shit, all the crazy, Love has been able to come into my life and give me something to enjoy.
Work's still stressful. Family can still get on my nerves something fierce. I still have a lot of growing to do.
But because of Love, Real Love, I'm able to embrace things in a wonderful way.
Thanks 2013. 2014, lets see if you have some room on your dance card for CuCu.
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